another side of me

Thursday, March 29, 2007

just got back after bubble tea-ing.
had a good laugh today with step.
thanks for the jokes.
also a good laugh from scaring yam.
haha.

i feel like this week
i dont have a life.
i even forgot what day it is.
and im surprised i can go on for so long.
it was work then training on tuesday.
then a whole day of work on wednesday.
and training after work again today.
may i add that trainings includes fitness.
work again tomorrow.
wow.
i am a superwoman.
and i would have gone mad and sick and tired rushing places.
but thankfully i've got daddy to drive me around.
thank you daddy.

cant wait for work to end tomorrow.
then i can finally get a break.
and then meet up with the girlfriends on saturday.
work on sunday yet again.
i hope they dont pack me with so many shifts next week.

lack of sleep.
pfft.

goodnight.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

i was wishing for two seats.
so i could be near you again.
i've forgotten when was the last time we were that far apart.
trying didnt seem to help.

bad day today.
boo.
i didnt wanna cry in public.
so i sucked it all in.
the whole day long.
work helped distract me.

work.
busy busy day.
got alil chaotic at times.
got the manpower but not enough resources to go around.
who says scooping ice cream is easy.
it is not soft and fun.
i scooped til i almost died.
my arm ached.
i was cursing and swearing on the inside when people ordered ice cream flavours which were very frozen.
time passed very fast though.
i saw the clock and it was 2plus.
the next time i saw the clock
it was 6plus.
oh my gosh.
i scooped ice cream for four freakin hours
making drinks in between.
i had no rest.
til my shift was over.
phew.
im tired.
and i havent eaten the whole day.
nothing.
nothing at all.
been too busy.

i joked:
new zealand natural is my slimming solution.
haa.

girls just cant have enough of anything.
i cant have enough of you.

no matter how hurt or mad or sad i was.
i can never bear to carry on feeling that way.

Friday, March 23, 2007

some people judge too soon.
they criticise others but fail to reflect and realise their own weaknesses.

this world is that unfair.
and many people dont get seen for who they really are on the inside.

whoever you are anonymous
i dont really care.
cos you are definitely not my friend.
you're a coward who dare not come face to face and confront me about what you're unhappy about.
friends dont do that.
neither does a team mate.
friends help each other improve
and will accept constructive criticism from each other.

i was given the responsibility of a captain for stl.
seriously no matter how much i dont want it
i accept it and feel honoured and will try to do my best.
it's not like i wanna do badly
and show everybody how much i suck at it.
i want to have something to be proud of.
but sadly
the people in the team arent giving me an easy time.
and you know why?
becos it is filled with many people who are like who you describe me to be.
they dont speak up about their unhappiness.
and you are just like one of them since you dont even dare identify yourself.
talk about not wanting me to be defensive.
you're just scared.
i wont try to out talk you.
cos no matter what others say
i reflect on it.
cos i wanna do better.
you just dont understand.
cos you dont know me.
and even if i try to make others understand why i do things in a certain way
they will just think im defending myself before listening and thinking if i make sense
cos they've already formed an impression of me
and judged me that way.

and no matter how much i try
it will never be sufficient
another contributing factor-
the people arent cooperating.
you who have no idea how much i've tried
shut up.
until you've been in my position
you will never really understand.

now that im given another responsibility of quarter master
im sure you're not too happy about it either.
but you didnt speak up.
too bad for you.
i love challenges.
and im determined to do my best.
not to prove you wrong.
but to prove to the people who gave me this position that they made the right choice.
i wont wanna disappoint them.

you know what.
i've got many friends in my life.
im happy.
i dont need people like you.
you dont matter to me.
so buzz off.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

had annual general meeting instead of training today.
i gotta pass down my responsibility of a treasurer.
but i got another responsibility of a quarter master.
lots more work to do.

dinner after meeting.
it was fun
with lotsa laughter.
it's been a long time since the last.

kumar soon please.

and yes.
out with the littlest friend soon.
i promise.

i tried threading.
woo.
the pain is shocking.
i wanted to laugh so much.
luu
you bluff me.
haha.
but it was an experience.

im looking forward to tomorrow.
:)
hope you are too.

piecing up the broken pieces
trying to get it back into its original form
but it will never be the same again
cos there will be scars to remind of what happened yesterday.
just like the heart.

i hate my selfish stingy sarcastic brother!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

i am so so so so so so so tired.
this is gonna carry on.
training after work.
rushing places.
i need rest.
and im so glad i've kinda got a day off tomorrow.
til contact training in the evening.
im not even sure if im well enough to go.
im even gladder to know that contact trainings are gonna be once per week for the present moment.
until nearing the season.

and now i feel better knowing i dont stand alone.

i was so glad to receive that call.

i still feel the great difference.
i can never match up to your friends.
i dont wanna think about it anymore.
cos it hurts.

i appreciate initiative.
i dont like to prompt.
it kinda spoils the meaning of things.

i need rest.
badly.
goodnight world.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

work yesterday was from good to bad.

but i had fun working with the two friends and a newly made one.

whatever.

i've done my job.

and just waiting to get paid.

i hate snobbish big shot idiots.

oink face.

gold chain rudey.

pfft.

today's game sucks.

big time.

i just couldnt seem to do anything right.

i wanted it so bad

but my performance just didnt go with my heart.

steph

good job and thank you for covering on defence.

you were my concealer today.

hee.

i was pissed.

at myself.

and everybody else on the team.

but as captain i couldnt show it.

i had to carry on and get things done.

i have no idea when was the last time i cried on the field.

what a girl wants

is awesome.

one shouldnt change.

just be you.

what matters is your heart.

dont do anything that will cause you to lose your heart.

and and oliver james is like so so cute.

melt.

movies always portray such lovely relationships between people.

perfect stories.

fairy tales.

there are obstacles.

but they come out victorious.

hmm.

my little pinky is injured.

boo.

im unsure.

i dont know if that is what i really want.

uncertainties and fears are stopping me.

i feel like i stand alone.

it's been a long day.

im tired.

goodnight world.

i wish i wake up with you beside me.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

i couldnt fall asleep last night.
and when i did
i had a bad dream.
thanks to yesterday's encounter.

i dreamt that i was being chased by a mad girl.
she wanted to kill me with a knife.
and when i ran for help
everybody around me was mad.
i realised i was in the psych ward.
then when i ran out to ask for help from other people
they all thought i was mad
and wanted to put me in the psych ward.
i dont know why that mad girl in my dream is one of my classmates.

my shoulders are aching once again.
and my arm is swollen
from a tackle from steph.
it hurts.
hope it doesnt hinder with training today.

and contact trainings may be changed to mondays and wednesdays.
so four consecutive days of trainings from monday to thursday.
but at least my weekends are free
except for stl.
actually i wpuld prefer this arrangement.

i had to let it out.
no more surprise.

i need you bad.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

i dont wanna take the bus home alone anymore.

on my long journey back home
after ruby alighted from the bus
a mad man came to sit beside me.
at first he turned to look at me a few times.
i thought he was just weird.
but he started fidgeting and pointing and hitting the seat infront.
the lady of the couple sitting in front turned behind to look.
then the mad man started scolding her out of the blue.
he even used vulgarities
for no particular reason.
he even brought me into his words.
i was freakin out.
i was scared.
too scared to even move.
i decided to msg for help.
in the midst of my typing he turned to me
so i hurry exited msg mode
just in case he reads and starts to scold me too.
but i had to tell someone.
so after awhile i msged again.
to the boyfriend and luu.
the couple in front changed seat.
i was left alone with him.
after he alighted
luu called.
thanks luu for calling.
you helped calm my nerves alil.
i wanted to cry so bad.
to release the fear i've held in for the past who knows how long.

the bus journey back seemed so long.

im still traumatised.
right til now.
i dont ever wanna travel by bus alone again.
esp at night.

thanks boyfriend.

i got no supps!!!
grades arent good
but who cares.
i got no supps!
for the very first time.
:)

last night's episode of cold case was nice.

i just wanna hold her
and talk to her all night.

this line touched me.
it's a sad sad thing that lovers who are meant to be together
cant be together.
it's sadder when it's the consequence of other's mistakes.

cant bear the thought of ever losing you.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i've been a happy girl the past week.
:)

the last day of period was bad.
the pain came back and lasted one whole day.
at least it wasnt as bad as the first day.
the start and the end were just terrible.

i bought something for someone.
hope the person likes it.
carrying it home was hard work.
it's so heavy.
with the after work crowd.

been eating healthy these few days.
and since that day i fell ill
i havent had appetite.
i've become rather selective of the food i eat.
if i dont get what i crave for
i feel like vomitting.
strange.

touch trainings have been changed from mondays to tuesdays.
rugby trainings consecutive for three days.
my free days are only the first and the last day of the week.
hope i can manage trainings with work.
i wanna work badly.
earn some money.
and go shopping.
:)

it's an honour.
but maybe i dont want the responsibility.
and the people arent really worth the effort and time.
im just curious about their choices.
dying to know.

much love to the boyfriend.
get well.

Friday, March 09, 2007

i just cant seem to do anything right.
this is wrong.
and that is wrong.
everthing just boils down to me.
im that dumb.
no matter how much i change i just cant make things seem right.
blame your emotions on me.
i'll just get numb.

i hate myself.

everything i imagined about the coming week
i'll just flush it down the drain.
cos anything with me in it just wont work out fine.

im just an immatured dumb girl
who cant shut up
and talk at the wrong time
and speak the wrong words
and keep quiet all at the wrong time.

words hurt the most when they come from the people you care about most.
and it doesnt help that they come from the person you turn to.
im lost once again.
im afraid to try to do anything.
cos they'll just make things worse.
they'll just be wrong.

i wanna hide from the world.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

i had 3hours plus of sleep last night.
woke up at 3am plus and couldnt get back to sleep.
so i got some stuff done.
and went back to sleep about 6am.
i was fine then.

i was then woken up by pain.
pain from cramps plus stomachache.
went to the toilet.
the cramps almost killed me.
i was in extreme pain.
then everything else around me became brighter and brighter
as if they were gonna disappear.
i became so light headed
like there was no blood circulation going through my head.
i broke out in cold sweat
and wanted to puke badly.
i knew i was gonna faint.
i swear i almost did.
and i didnt wanna be stuck in the toilet
where nobody would know.
i hurried back to my room to lie down
and called for mummy in the process.
i couldnt open my eyes.
mummy felt my face and it was cold.
it felt terrible.
i dont ever want this to happen again.
it's so scary.
tremendous pain.
now i truly know what lorencia goes through.

one reason i hate being a girl.

and this had to happen today.
when it was supposedly a busy day for me.

i am still in pain.
discomfort.
but lots better compared to this morning.
slept through the whole day.
skittles slept with me.

silas cooked porridge for me.
thank you bro.
it was nice but i had no appetite.
i left the porridge there
and skittles took the liberty to eat it up on my behalf.
pfft.
and thanks mummy for that favor.

hope evening primrose works.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

finally the sun decided to shine
and i got some tanning done.
im like itching all over now.
scratching like a monkey.
at least im not fair anymore.
now i gotta maintain it.
and luu found a good place for tanning.
gonna be our permanent tanning place.

luu keeps complaining about her leg.
go see a doctor!
pls!
get well.
and she has adopted a kitty cat.
haha.
cos she misses skittles too much
and decided she wanna own a kitty cat herself.

i like the lava lamp so much.

my handphone blanked out on me again.
history repeats itself.
im not gonna wait anymore.
im getting a new phone!
pfft.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

my achy breaky body.
i woke up relunctant to move.
not even an inch
cos it aches everywhere.

i need a massage desperately.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

had me first contact training with bucks today.
bad attendance.
there were only five of us!
pierre or whatever else the spelling. steph. me.
rania our coach and david our other coach.
how pathetic.
but we learnt passing. tackling. rucking. clearing the ruck.
and did drills.
they are quite similar to touch drills but alil different.
cos instead of touching you gotta tackle or well
get tackled.
i kinda forget at times.

it rained again.
why does it keep on raining?
stl got cancelled cos the rain made the field condition bad.
if this continues
how long will stl drag on for?
and i will never get a tan.

the shoulder hurts.
not bcos of tackling.
but bcos of the heavy bag i had to carry everywhere i went to.
and it was a long day out.
i need a shoulder massage!

it rained.
but i still had a sun shining for me.
im refering to my sunflower that sweet lil steph got for me.
she was so cute.
she came smiling when she met me.
and i had to idea what was going on.
other people kept looking at her.
they must be thinking what's wrong with this girl.
she keeps smiling.
then she presented a sunflower to me.
thank you steph.
you made my day.

hmm.
future plans are as follows.
touch trainings on mondays and thursdays.
stl on saturdays.
contact training on wednesdays and sundays.
my weekends are practically burnt.
and i've only got tuesdays and fridays free.
hectic weeks ahead.
but im gonna be fit.

im tired.

Friday, March 02, 2007

luu and i had so much fun today.

what a way to start the holidays.