another side of me

Monday, July 31, 2006

the previous two episodes of grey's anatomy were so awesome.

but they just remind me of the unpredictables in life.
you never know when is your last day on earth.
and if it were your last day on earth.
how would you wanna spend it?

so i just wanna let all my family and friends know how much i love them and treasure them.
and baby too.
loves.

i dont know what i would do without you.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

running.
from near mid field.
defender behind.
no supporters.
one try.
it was so exciting.
satisfactory.

ntl-here i come!
smiles.

im one happy girl today.

im hunting that bag down.

loves.

Monday, July 24, 2006

you think you've got forever.
but you dont.

i wanna spend forever with you.

im tired of waiting.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

good times always past so fast.
the weekends are almost over.

today is a lovely lovely day.
smiles.

despite puking twice.
and being embarrassed.

and that the pumps i wanted didnt have my size anymore.
and they didnt look as nice on me anymore.
so i'll settle for another pair.
gotta make another trip down to town sometime soon to get it.

and and and i tried on this puma top.
by neil barrett.
i love it in black!
it costs a bomb!
its like two hundred and forty nine bucks!
my gosh.
but its so nice.
i want it!
boo.

i cant find the picture on the website.
so cant show you how it looks like.
but its nice.

Friday, July 21, 2006

thanks for trying so hard.
for being so patient.
thanks for all the loving.
love you lots baby.

i love chocolate!

loren the cat wants to have it too.
chinatowning soon?
i want my vintage belt.
i need my pumps.
need to go shopping!
but where do i find the money?

oh the weekends.
i just love em.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

four players.
two coaches.
what we gotta improve on to get into the ntl team.
what does that mean?
that we're not even better than the freshies?
and our place in the team aint secured?
it wasnt a good feeling at all.
that i had to meet the coaches and hear them say the things they said.
well not both of them but one.
im sure they feel the same way.
for me.
it was that im invisible on the field.
the coaches see everybody.
everybody but me.
i dont understand.
luu told me that she notice everytime i start off as centre and after three punch up i will somehow disappear.
i think only i know what i've been doing on the field.
i guess nobody else actually acknowledges me on the field and the effort i put in.
to help create gaps.
call for the ball.
alert my team mates of the gaps.
communicate.
lots i would say.
but every time i hear people say we're not talking on the field.
not doing this. not doing that.
inside im saying i did but you all didnt realise so i'll try harder the next time.
only today i realise im sucha small figure on the field.
the coach said i gotta stand at the gap. its not about myself but the team.
i think when i play i think more about my team mates than myself.
how i can get the ball to them to do something.
i try to acknowledge the effort people put in when they are on the field and im glad they know.
but then again maybe i myself needa have that kinda assurance that my effort was seen.
the coaches notice everybody except me.
maybe thats the reason why.
that im giving others the opportunity to do something that i just fade into the background.
im told theres something im holding back.
and if i dont hold back i'd be a fantastic player.
touch is a game i love alot.
my passion.
one of my top priorities in life.
why am i still holding back when i want so much to be a better player.
i know and i know that i've got lots more to give to this game and this team.
lots more im capable of.
but im still holding back.
its a mental case for all four of us.
im still figuring out.
thinking and thinking.
lots going through my mind now.
charlotte said i improved.
is she the only one who sees that?
and is that true or was it just that my play on the day itself was alright?
how do i get the rest of what i got inside me to be unleashed?

i like dead crow alot.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

biochem practical was scary.
cos i broke something.
a pipette.
had to fill up a form to pay for it.
on the list of fifteen items i had no idea which one it was.
but there was an item that cost fifty bucks and i didnt know what it was.
i was hoping real hard that it wasnt the pipette i broke.
the stupid thing slipped off the 'sucker' so it really aint my fault that it broke.
i tried to stop it but failed and even cut myself in the process cos i pressed down on a broken piece on the lab bench.
but thankfully i was wearing glove so its only a tiny winy cut.
so i was told the item wasnt on the list and the lab assistant had to check the price.
lorencia went to take a look at the rest of the pipettes.
made in germany.
i was freaking out.
it must be expensive.
awaiting for the price was scary.
then she came out.
i only heard three.
but cheng chong said twenty three.
what.
twenty three for something i didnt purposely break.
but its.

oh the suspense.

three bucks.
haha.
phew.
its a bulb pipette i broke and it costs three bucks.
fortunately three bucks only.

Monday, July 17, 2006

had alil chat with angie and charlotte after training today.
how we didnt do as well on saturday as we did in lion reds even though we won gold.
but we could have done lots better.
and our team lacks players who are able to side step.
not that we dont have those players but the players who can dont do them.
im guilty of that.
i did mention that i liked being able to play with the other juniors and seniors just like old time.
cos we know each other's style of play on the field and im comfortable playing along side with them.
all except one.
we know how to create gaps for each other. how to open up. how to support and be ready. how to assist each other in moves. and know what each other wants on the field.
but the pressure is on.
the pressure to wanna do well and contribute more.
knowing im not one of the stronger and faster players.
im told i can check fast.
side step.
and create gaps.
but im not doing those stuff.
i can fake and do lotsa stuff.
but once on the field.
i dont do them.
cos i feel that i cant do much so i'd rather pass the ball to someone who does it better.
and sometimes there are things i wanna do on the field but with just one word from an authority i follow.
cos its natural to listen to that authority as well as someone who is better than you.
and sometimes other team mates needa be there to support you and know what you wanna do in order to achieve somthing.
its a team game. not an individual event. everybody needa play a part to get the game going.
and i believe the results of every game is the effort of everybody. not just the person who tries.
cos there are people who sacrifice not getting the ball and stay open at the wing.
people who acts as decoys.
people who helps creat gaps.
peole who communicate.
people who alert other team mates about gaps.
people who help with the off loading of the ball.
these people shouldnt be forgotten and all credit shouldnt only be given to the one who tries.
i've improved.
but i know that im capable of achieving much more.
i need a breakthrough in my play.
i needa get the option of side stepping faking checking and doing moves i've learnt into my head.
so that on the field it becomes a natural to do them.
practise will help i guess.
i really wanna take my level of play up another level.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

had touch clinic with touch new zealand academy yesterday.
nopes.
i didnt expect guys at all.
but there were guys.
cute ones too.
but baby. dont get jealous.
you know i know can already.
alright?
hee.

had fun.
lotsa lotsa fun.
learnt basic stuff which have different names from what we know them as.
quickies?
and games.
and the result of not warming down yesterday- aches all over.
enjoyed yesterday.
all the sun.
now i've got a tshirt tan although im not much tanner.
all the fun.
all the talk with charlotte and angie.
all the nonsense.
i like trainings like that.
through fun we learn.
and there was no pressure at all cos everything was for the sake of fun.
and we played well.

theres training today.
all the aches.
im so tired.
but im sure there aint gonna be any fitness today.
cos its pure training for saturday's game.
only had two hours of school.
each hour five hours apart.
so i met baby for breakfast.
went for alil shopping trip alone.
went home to sleep.
and back to school.
then now im home again.
training is in two hours' time.
what a day.
everything is so spread out.
nothing much to do but the day will be over soon.

the ear is better.
but im not sure if i can hear perfectly yet.

im tired!
tired!
tired!
and i wanna see baby!

i cant wait for saturday to come.
it feels like holiday.
isit just me or does it just feel that way?
im broke.
time to save up.

i love my life the way it is now.
except for the being broke part.
im a happy girl.
lovely days.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

went for my appointment today.
the doctor had to look into my ear with a bigger microscope than the one he was using.
and he used something to try sucking stuff outta my ear.
it hurt at one point of time.
i didnt know what was going on cos i couldnt see.
it was scary.
the doctor was like 'wah. you really dont feel any pain?'
i told him it hurt just now.
whats with wah?
he went out.
i thought he went to inspect and clarify the 'specimen'.
but when he came into the room with another doctor i was freaking out inside.
like whats going on?
isit that serious?
okay.
so its fungal infection.
they had to discuss to confirm its fungal.

went for a hearing test.
quite interesting.
first was something the audio examiner put into my ear.
i didnt hafta do anything.
it was something like ultrasound where theres something then you wait for the signal to come back to the device. dont know how to explain. but you should get the idea.
then the second part of the test i had to press on a button whenever i hear a tone from the headphones.
the tone was of different frequencies and volumes.
and since my right ear was fine she tested further on my left ear.
she put some device at the back of my left ear.
and on the right headphone was some background noises.
on the left headphone which wasnt even on my ear but on the side was similar tones.
i had to do the same thing-press the button whenever i hear a tone.
that was something i dont mind going through.
what i really mind is the later part.
read on.

so the reason for my hearing loss.
i hate to say it.
but ya.
hearing loss.
is caused by retention of water in my middle ear.
the fungal is minimal and its not the cause of the blockage.

the doctor did a nasoendoscopy on me.
a flexible scope examination.
to check for any blockage behind my nasal passage.
cos its connected to the ear bla bla bla.
i was freaking out.
my heart was beating faster and faster.
i was really really scared.
i didnt like the sound of it at all.
cos i kinda knew what it involves.
i was so glad that baby was with me seriously.
he sure gave me some assurance.
and him being by my side made a huge huge difference.
the doctor sprayed some kinda bitter thing up my nose.
crap.
yucks.
he told me i could swallow it.
but i didnt want to.
its so yucky.
and so he stuck the tube which was a camera into my nose and moved it deeper.
i had to breathe through my nose at all times.
like what the hell.
first into the left nostril then into the right.
it had some kinda fluid on it.
on the left.
he moved it deep in.
deeper.
pulled it out alil.
and in deeper again.it was nerve-wrecking alright!
i held baby's hand and squeezed it harder each time the tube went in deeper.
i had to keep my head straight.
couldnt even lean on the head rest.
i had to say 'e'.
i was like 'e!'
like hurry up. get it done and over with.
the fucking tube still in my nose.
i swear i hated the doctor.
he didnt even know how to say some comforting words cos it was so obvious i was scared.
the right nostril was much faster.
it was so uncomfortable!
phew.
when it was over i had something stuck in my throat.
not exactly throat. but almost there but higher.
i puked right after my escape from the room.
i was so glad to be out.
puking didnt help.
the thing was still there.
it only got better after some time.
i never want another of such experience.
never ever.
it sucks!
it really really does!
i hate nasoendoscopy!
i must say im a brave girl.
i couldnt have gone through it without baby.
i've always been a healthy person.
never have i had to visit the hospital.
but i've gotta go back there in two weeks time.
i hope i dont hafta go through another nasoendoscopy.
this is one experience i wish i never had.
and really really wish would never happen again.
to those who went through the same thing or worse- had a tube down the throat.
i know how you feel!
we're all victims!!

things i went through today:
pure tone audiogram.
tympanometry.
microinspection.
flexible scope examination.

im given antibiotics and a nose drop and a ear drop.
and hafta perform this thing four to five times a day.
the pressing of my nose and blowing out towards it.
theres a name for it. which i forgot.

so much i had to go through and still my ear is blocked.
life.
nothing is easy.
what a day i must say.

thanks luu!
you're very much appreciated.

and a big thanks to baby.
cos i dont know how i would have gone through it without you.
love you to bits.

Monday, July 10, 2006

i went to see a doctor. finally.
first time to the polyclinic.
not first time there. but first time actually having to see a doctor there.
felt so lost. but thankfully baby was there and coincidentally we were 'assigned' to the same room.
the ear is still blocked.
the problem is that it aint blocked by ear wax.
i've got white spots on my ear drum.
the other ear is fine. i guess.
nopes.
no loud music.
no disco. (baby laughed when this question was asked)
no flying and no diving.
no frequent listening to music through ear phones.
no no no.
so i really wonder what the problem is.
its been three weeks already.
i dont remeber if theres pain.
but even if there was. its hardly ever there.
i got an appointment with the specialist at the hospital tomorrow.
i guess i'll find out whats wrong with my ear then.
hopefully its nothing serious and my ear will get unblocked.
cos i dont wanna play saturday's game with a blocked ear.
so inconvenient.
nor do i wanna have a permanent blocked ear.
or worst. go deaf in one ear.
nah.

and to everybody who talked to me.
thanks for speaking slower and louder and having to repeat what you have said.
especially baby.
thank you for the extra effort.
cos i really cant hear!
boo.

erm.
well.
this is funny.
and weird to say.
but baby and i forgot to pay for our lunch today?
yeah.
as in we finished eating and walked away.
it totally slipped our minds about paying.
i was just thinking about how much money i have left in my wallet and then.
i realised i didnt touch the ten dollar bill in my wallet.
uh oh.
msged baby to clarify.
and yup.
we really didnt pay.
so embarrassing.
we're gonna go back to pay later.
haha.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

today is a lovely lovely day.
i finally bought the bag i long wanted. and i got it at twenty percent less the original price.
now im left with my shoes.
i desperately need shoes.
after getting shoes i can start saving up for the holidays.
then i'll have money to spend and hopefully go on a holiday too.
yeah.

i chipped in alil for baby's new pair of boots.
the pair that i like alot.
since i cant have it i'll be glad to see it on the person i love.
same same la.
haha.

baby is gonna be a live mascot for my birth date.
haha.
6
9
88
funny baby.
love you.

i seriously needa get my ear treated.
its getting worse.
the hearing difference is so significant now.
oh gosh.
i dont wanna go deaf!

hannaninho?
whatever baby.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

something about girls.

when we say 'no' 'dont hafta' 'its okay'
it doesnt mean no we dont want it.
it just simply means that we want it but we dont wanna trouble you.
it comes outta good intentions.
really.
and some stuff dont even needa be asked.
cos you should already know what we want.

sometimes i really dont understand.
i just dont see why others can but you dont.
it matters to me cos it shows something.
remember the little things show?
i dont like to be thick skinned and ask about such stuff or get you to do it.
but i really wanna know why.

i've a feeling i cant see baby today.
even though its our special day today.
so.
love you.
will be thinking bout you all day.
missing you.

waiting by the phone.

i think.
and i wonder.
why the tears?

Friday, July 07, 2006

so here i am.
still in bed.
in pain.
i dont wanna go to school.
and fridays are always damn long.
but i hafta cos theres tutorials.
i thought there was nothing wrong with me.
so i've got no reasons to take mc.
i stayed in bed and the pain came.
i couldnt really catch much sleep bcos of the pain.
but its nothing major.

im waiting beside my phone.
for a msg.
cos i dont expect a call.
i wonder how he is doing.
how he is feeling.
and whats on his mind.
so i'll keep on waiting.

im looking forward to the rest of the day after five pm.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

today didnt turn out bad.
just that it could have been better.

training was nice.
and fun.
there was no fitness.
and i perspired alot alot alot.
it was nice to feel worked out.
havent scored tries in a long time.
and today i did. twice.
thanks to my looper. whoever it was. i forgot.
and dee for her nice pass.
i love playing with the juniors and seniors today.
like old times.
really comfortable.
there was selection for ymca youth in touch today too.
it was nerve wrecking.
but i emerged from it glad and sad.
i woulnt say happy. cos im somebody that is affected by how my friends are feeling.
their feeligs matter to me.
and i always hope i can make them feel better.
so theres only twelve place in the team.
but sixteen of us.
so four of us had to play in the b team with the freshies.
four were sacrificed.
i've never liked selections.
i really really like trainings like today.
when theres no fitness.
and lotsa games.
and kinda relaxed. on our own kinda thing.
wish trainings could go back to such times.

i did the later part of lab alone today.
cos my lil friend went to give birth.
hahaha.
so unsure.
if no colonies appear dont blame me.
cos maybe i didnt let the glass rod cool before spreading the sample on the agar plate.
oops.
too late when i kinda realise.
so ya.
im sorry if we dont have any results tomorrow.
i'll take full responsibility.
stacia was really helpful.

i only had a meal today.
i should have gotten lighter.
i wonder.

thinking back about the past few days.
actually i've always wanted to play mixed touch with you.
or wondered what it would be like playing beside you.

hopes.
desires.
expectations.

cant do without you.

whats the point of being optimistic.
sometimes being optimistic isnt good.
its time i step back into reality.
and accept the facts.
the facts that things dont always go the way i want them to.
or i wish for them to be.

reality.
people. time. place.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

the past two days have been nice.
lovely lovely days.
thanks to baby.

i guess being in a relationship i wish to be somebody my boyfriend can do anything and everything with.
it may not always work out the first time.
but im willing to try again.
it requires give and take.
and i really wanna try again.
cos i believe it can work out.

there is nothing like a bed of roses.
i know that.
im trying to make our times together the best they can be.
cos i dont wanna waste precious time being angry or sad.
i cherish every moment with you.
and i want every single moment to be lovely.

i have chosen you.
who cares about some other guy who has this and that other guy who can do that.
i just want you.
thats that.
love you baby lots.