another side of me

Thursday, July 20, 2006

four players.
two coaches.
what we gotta improve on to get into the ntl team.
what does that mean?
that we're not even better than the freshies?
and our place in the team aint secured?
it wasnt a good feeling at all.
that i had to meet the coaches and hear them say the things they said.
well not both of them but one.
im sure they feel the same way.
for me.
it was that im invisible on the field.
the coaches see everybody.
everybody but me.
i dont understand.
luu told me that she notice everytime i start off as centre and after three punch up i will somehow disappear.
i think only i know what i've been doing on the field.
i guess nobody else actually acknowledges me on the field and the effort i put in.
to help create gaps.
call for the ball.
alert my team mates of the gaps.
communicate.
lots i would say.
but every time i hear people say we're not talking on the field.
not doing this. not doing that.
inside im saying i did but you all didnt realise so i'll try harder the next time.
only today i realise im sucha small figure on the field.
the coach said i gotta stand at the gap. its not about myself but the team.
i think when i play i think more about my team mates than myself.
how i can get the ball to them to do something.
i try to acknowledge the effort people put in when they are on the field and im glad they know.
but then again maybe i myself needa have that kinda assurance that my effort was seen.
the coaches notice everybody except me.
maybe thats the reason why.
that im giving others the opportunity to do something that i just fade into the background.
im told theres something im holding back.
and if i dont hold back i'd be a fantastic player.
touch is a game i love alot.
my passion.
one of my top priorities in life.
why am i still holding back when i want so much to be a better player.
i know and i know that i've got lots more to give to this game and this team.
lots more im capable of.
but im still holding back.
its a mental case for all four of us.
im still figuring out.
thinking and thinking.
lots going through my mind now.
charlotte said i improved.
is she the only one who sees that?
and is that true or was it just that my play on the day itself was alright?
how do i get the rest of what i got inside me to be unleashed?

i like dead crow alot.